Di

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 06:02:47 GMT

Alas, the party is over all.. this is most likely the last entry as i'm getting a new journal name.
Bye all =)

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 01:40:04 GMT

please god kill me...

kev: what about us
me: you left
me: i haven't heard anything in 3 months
kev: i want you with me here
me: i don't want to live in Tennessee
kev: so you dont want me
me: i do
me: i don't want tennessee
kev: then where
kev: you are my life
kev: i spent 3 mon's on that damn boat thinking i can finlly be with my baby was i right or not
kev: diane are you going to talk to me

Bear in mind... i've not spoken to him for three months.. I had no clue what to say. In my mind I was set to move on, get my own place and start my life over.

This was like someone punched me in the stomach.

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 07:44:52 GMT

Today I scouted out possible states that look promising. So far Nebraska is in the lead with Louisiana following a close second. Ryan is in Nebraska, so if I moved there I'd know people. His kids are so adorable.

I can't wait to move.. I know a change of pace and scenery will be just what's needed to get my life back on track. I'm getting the minivan when I go, so that's a plus.. since Kevin took the Explorer.

Dad got the stitches out today.. well, sorta. He went to the ER and they said, 'it'll be two hours' he said, 'no problem i'll wait' - four hours later they said, 'he's coming down now'..
... an hour later my father took them out himself.

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 03:16:19 GMT

Stupid
Worthless
Friends hate you (one does, he said so)
Never amount to shit (family says that)
Anything attempted never works out.

Such good qualities! Poor thing.. makes you wonder why she just doesn't end it all huh? Chicken. Scared little girl.
Courage girl.. get it. Stop making people miserable and make them happy.
Stop being selfish..

I will, someday.

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 00:42:38 GMT

why do people say, 'till death do us part' if they don't really mean it?

How's this for irony...

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 16:50:35 GMT

My alarm goes off and what song is playing? None other than 'She Works Hard For The Money' by Donna Summer. Yesterday kinda sucked, but I won't even get into THAT.

Rejection may kill, but disappointment only mames

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 01:39:42 GMT

Wow.. what a game! I love the Yankees. So they won game 3 of the ALC east (they're now up 2-1). Poor Don Zimmer though, being grabbed by the face and tossed to the ground.. (the guy's 71 years old!). I mean, really.. these guys get paid millions to act like children. It's sad. I think what's even more sad is that there are kids in that ballpark watching the actions of these so-called 'grownups' and what example are they setting? POOR SPORTSMANSHIP. To both sides.. grow the fuck up. Seriously.

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 02:50:45 GMT

If I were to die tomorrow, I think only a handful of people would show up. Most of them I wouldn't even want there either - they'd only show up because of relation. My aunt never calls, never writes.. but something happens in the family, and she jumps and runs. But the rest of the 365 days of the year, she couldn't care less. I hate the rows of chairs they put in funeral homes. I don't want those either. I know half will be empty and that though alone is just so very sad.
Today.. I realized what a fool I am. People can use me for their own form of entertainment.. as a personal doormat and I sit there and smile. And all the while, they'll smile back until they turn to their friends where they'll all bust out laughing. I'm nothing. All I am is a joke. And I realized today.. just how big of a joke I really am.

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 00:32:51 GMT

My dad's doing better. They're moving him from ICU to a regular room (which is good). I'm angry that on the police report the stupid cop put 'vehicle 1 was making a u-turn' (which is ILLEGAL on Hillside ave.) - but didn't give him a ticket. I'll be bitching about that tomorrow.

Worst day of my life (warning, this dives deep to my personal life)

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 23:39:43 GMT

Today's events has just confirmed everything I wrote about my mother. No, I'm wrong.. she's a worse monster than I could have ever imagined.
When I got up at 1pm., my biggest problem was getting out of work at 8. Ok, it was more an irritation.. an inconvenience.. if anything. I hated staying that late, plain and simple. 2pm, I arrived at work and did what I had to do. 3, 4.. then 5 pm... I get the phone call..
"Diane?"
"Donna?"
"Yes, listen.. Daddy was riding his scooter and was cut off again.. he's at the emergency room."
"....."

WTF.. ok, so as if THAT wasn't bad enough, she comes to the store and as she's walking up to me...
"Diane.. don't freak out.."
"Why? Why would I freak out?"

Oh let's see.. maybe because she goes and pulls a bloody jacket out of a bag? Nah, it was the helmet with the small pool of blood in it she pulled out next.

Don't freak out? SURE.

"I need you to clean this"

OK. YES. FUCKING GREAT.

If you think that was the worst possible point of my day you are DEAD wrong. NEXT came the most unbelievable thing EVER. I'm in the back room counting over $400 worth of cash and mother is at the front of the store (which is about 50 feet away from me), waving me towards her. I couldn't up and leave $400 lying on the table, so I yelled to her, "I can't right now" (I sure as shit wasn't about to yell, "I can't I have $400 dollars I'm counting!") Had I done that, I may as well have worn a sign that said, "ROB ME". Well, she obviously didn't know what I was doing back there and assumed I was ignoring her... thereby causing her to get aggravated. So when I finally DID get done and walk back to the office, she came at me with an attitude. What follows is EXACTLY what was said word for word and how it all happened.

(Her) - "Oh she's too fucking busy to get me the paper, MOVE bitch, I'll get it myself"
(Me) - "Just give me one goddamn minute!"
(Her, shoving the open change machine right into my shoulder) - "You're useless, by the time you get it I won't need it anymore"
(Me, shoving it back at her) - "I said give me ONE MINUTE!!!"

Then the punches flew. She threw one at me, but it was wild and it missed, so she followed up with just swinging her arms and hitting me a few times.
Maybe I shouldn't have, but I was so upset with my dad, the blood I had to clean, and just the all-around wreck I was.. I lost control and starting smacking back. My sister was in shock that the two of us were standing, in plain view of a handful of people, throwing down.

I couldn't see, couldn't feel, and just.. felt like I was being crushed by a 1,000 ton weight. Finally my sister found her voice and in the most sad, meek voice I'd ever heard from her came, "please stop it."

My mother was too enraged to hear it. She shoved me, I shoved back and when I did, I slammed the door on her, locking myself in the office. We needed to cool down.. I knew this. She went to the bathroom, and my sister gave a small knock on the door saying, "Diane? Please let me in? She's not out here.. she went to the bathroom" Now by this time, I had completely broken down. I was leaning against the office wall, literally shaking to hard I tried to hold my hands together to stop it. My father is an ex-marine.. his adage is, "only the weak cry" - I tried with everything I had not to.. but I lost control and slid down to the floor, just sobbing. My sister kept knocking of course, begging me to let her in, and finally I mustered the strength to stand back up, fight back tears and open the door. She rushed in, closed the door and hugged me so tight just saying, "it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault."
It sure as hell felt like it.
I need to cut that woman out of my life. She's poison.. I've always known this but never had the courage to face it. Today was a BIG wakeup call.
Now, I assumed by that time my mother had gone. I was wrong. I opened the door but my sister was still talking and my mother walked by. We caught sight of each other and I decided to just keep silent.
I DID.
She on the other hand, decided to insult me more and call me, "little whore, fucking bitch" and some other names I didn't catch because she was walking out the door.
I tried to call back at her - "don't expect me to take your ABUSE, I'm not nine anymore!!"
THAT is when it hit me. I'm never allowing her to treat me like she did when I was a kid. I had blocked all those painful memories but today opened the floodgate. She never 'punished' us.. she beat us. I can remember times where she'd just slap and slap and leave us so red and hurting.. we'd cry for a good hour. Oh and I remember one time her saying to me (when I was 12 no less) - "I should've shoved a knife up my cunt"
TO A 12-YEAR OLD.

NO WONDER I'M SO FUCKED UP.

And now I'm in tears as I finish this because I know you all will think differently of me. I had to write this though because no more will I keep things like that bottled up. I'm done biting my tongue and holding back my feelings.

Those days are OVER.. --OVER--.
And this is to my mother - your never.. NEVER going to raise your hand to me again like that or talk down to me ever again. I will NOT let you.
Your reign of abuse is over as of TODAY.
And p.s. - don't think for one second I'm going to let you get your hands on the house.. you fucked up putting your hands on me.. did you forget I'm the OLDEST child!?!? Kiss Donna's ass all you like.. it'll be ME that makes the decisions. Whether the house is sold or not is MY decision. You were already given your share.. walk the fuck away and don't expect another dime.</lj>

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 05:39:15 GMT

I now know where I get my paranoid bitchyness.

My mother is insane. No, that's being NICE.. she's beyond that. I had made keys (copies) to both apartments upstairs for emergencies. In case a 'what if' situation arose. Like - 'what if they leave the stove on, what if our ceiling leaks', etc. I had them on a keychain marked each apartment.. I had it all neatly done. I notice today it's not there anymore. So I find my father and say, 'hey, where'd the spare keys go?' You know what he said? 'Your mother took them, she said she didn't want anyone in her apt.'
WTF!?!?! She's crazy.
Like we'd *purposely* go up there when she's not around. 'Oh Cleanna's not home, let's go upstairs and rummage through her stuff!' PLEASE.
PLEASE, PLEASE. *eyeroll*.
Something else I noticed about her.. is how two-faced she can become at times. Even to me. We were talking and she goes, 'oh how was the chicken?' so I go, 'what chicken?' and she goes, 'I gave Donna a chicken for you, her and your father. Didn't she split it with you all?' so I say no and that I'll have a talk with her. You know what she said? She says, 'Don't do that.. I told you that in confidence.'
Like what.. like she's Bond all of a sudden..
What's the password? Chicken.

Ok on to my dad... he's an incredibly hard worker. No joke, I think he gets like 3-4 hours sleep and the 19-20'odd hours he's busy running around and working his ass off. He SO reminds me of my grandfather (God rest his soul). HOWEVER.. he's got such the nasty side you don't even know. If you're not related to him by blood, you'd NEVER see it. To his family.. he treats us like garbage. With all the yelling and anxiety attacks he's had, I'm surprised he's not dead.
I see the mix of him and her in me and really I'm frightened. I don't want to be that person. Someone who's only nice to their family that thinks no one can be their friend without some 'reason'. I've already started to take on the characteristics, and if I don't do something to change it soon... I'll be like them. I don't want to be like anyone.. I just want to be me.
Please God.. don't let me be someone that hates. Sometimes I think I can actually feel my heart breaking at the thought. I just want to (yes to quote a movie) - love and be loved in return.
Since when was that too much to ask?

Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:11:25 GMT

I just got the fucking scare of my life just now. So I go upstairs to talk to my mom... (we live in a two-family house that has two apartments upstairs... well my mom is in one) - i heard what sounded like running water coming from the other apartment, so i knocked on my mom's door and said, "hey, the other apartment got rented out already?" and she goes, "no... why?" and I said, "i hear running water..." so we go to the apartment and she opens the door, it wasn't water.... it was a loud 'hissing' noise... coming from right near the stove. so i freaked out.... i thought it was gas. Turns out to be the radiator (which is coincidentally right NEXT to the stove). So yeah.. I'm still shaking a bit, lol.

It got real cold real fast here, i'm freezing right now.. thank god i have this heating blanket. It's great.. lay it across the bed, plug it in, and an hour later the whole bed is warm, lol.
Sooo, that's about it for now.. Update again in a bit.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 08:03:46 GMT

I can't believe... *sigh*

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 20:39:33 GMT

After the story about Luigi, I decided to flip through some old photo albums. Looking at all the black and white pictures (few color ones too).. it just made me sad. I wished I could've known my great grandparents (and also wished my grandparents could have lived longer). My mother's mother (Emma), she passed when I was around 13. I don't remember her really.. my mother's father (forget his name at the moment), he passed when my mother was a teenager. I don't think I could even begin to imagine losing my father at such a young age. I think that's why the way she is now.. and she passed it to my sister and I.. so we're just fucked up by association.
My father's mother (Maria).. I knew her the longest and when she passed, I felt like something important had been taken from me. A hole in my heart that can never be fixed. She passed last year and I'll never get to hug any of my grandparents again. My father's father (Raniero).. he was the one I was closest to. I used to walk from Franklin Square to Floral Park as a kid (like 12) just to see him if he wasn't well enough to drive and get me. lol, thinking of it now.. he used to be an insane driver. I'd like to think I picked up some driving skills from him. *smiles slightly*.

Ok, moving on.. been listening to a song - yeah, slightly cheesy but I still like it. One of the lines is, "I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand". So pretty.

And.. something I desparately wanted.. I got. *big grin*. It took a few months and alot of nagging, lol. Never let the bosses forget you people.. if you let them know you're still around and not going anywhere.. they end up noticing you.

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 23:04:17 GMT

Ok, so I get this.. and I have to admit, it kinda made me laugh..

L: meh
Opulentsteel: hi
L: you spoiled luis
Opulentsteel: excuse me?
L: on your outstanding mudsex skills :-)
Opulentsteel: lol

Well damn.. go me! *grins*. So that made me smile.. oh and my dad told me this great story about his grandfather (my great grandfather who's name happens to be Luigi oddly enough). We're driving back and my dad starts telling me the story of his grandfather Luigi and how he was this big drinker. Well he worked masonry, was very well known for his drinking. So they get there at 6 in the morning and his boss says, "I hear you're a drinker" and Luigi tells him, "yes" that he can drink any of them under the table. So his boss says, "tell you what, we'll make a deal.. if you can drink this 1/5th of whiskey and work a full day.. i'll pay you double.. but if you can't.. you work the day for free." So of course Luigi takes the bet, knowing his skills.
He made it through the day and got double pay. =)

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 08:33:21 GMT

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Mon, 22 Sep 2003 15:00:06 GMT

Please God, I don't want to kill Bruce but I swear I'm going to stuff him in a dryer and pump a zillion quarters in it. Bruce has officially gotten on my LAST nerve. So I call the store to ask Ana if I left my movie there.. amazing idiot boy (a.k.a. 'dickhead', a.k.a. BRUCE) answers the phone.. ok, so I say, "Bruce, put Ana on the phone'.. he says something to her like, "the JAP's on the phone for you".. like I couldn't hear him! Ana gets on the phone and I flew off right away.. I was like, "who the fuck is he talking about!?!" and of course she knows how I get with him so she was trying to stay out of it (sorry Ana!) and she goes, "I don't know, sorry", lol.. but anyway.. I know I'll lose it and just pop him one of these days.
Supposedly going to see 'Underworld' tonight but I've just read the reviews and it's not really gotten good ones. Hrm.. eh, maybe I'll go anyway - not been to the theaters in a while. what else, what else... i guess that's it.. i've not slept yet so time for a nap.. =)

<td bgcolor="#000000">what band will fuck you (a lot) </td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">saetia-you better enjoy it, too </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">date it will happen</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">June 22, 2018</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">you will meet them at</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">mcdonalds </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">how many STDs you catch</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">0</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">money you make from the video</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$774,670</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr>

what band will you get gang-banged by? by hulahoopwoundss

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<td bgcolor="#000000">username</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">middle name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">location</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">On large statue in Wellington</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Partner the first</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">David Wenham</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Partner the second</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Guy Pearce</td></tr>

Your Threesome by soleta

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Sun, 21 Sep 2003 02:27:04 GMT

Hoech is your Vampire name.
Your Vampire name means that you are both powerful
and wise. People come to you with questions
about everything, and you have all the answers.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
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What is your Vampire name?
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On a scale of 1 to 10 you are a 2. You can be cruel
if you want to be, but usually you are normal
and probably often a good person.

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Hoech is your Vampire name.
Your Vampire name means that you are both powerful and wise. People come to you with questions about everything, and you have all the answers.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire, go here:
www.life-blood.cjb.net
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On a scale of 1 to 10 you are a 2. You can be cruel if you want to be, but usually you are normal and probably often a good person.<font face="Georgia" size="+1">
To improve your level of evil and become a Vampire<a href=http://vampiregame.cjb.net> CLICK HERE</a> to join the game. 
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Not everyone is out to hurt me
Not everyone is out to hurt me...
(repeats a few more times)
Hmm.. you know someday I may actually believe that..

~Credit to Paul~

Sat, 20 Sep 2003 05:29:33 GMT

"And not to pull your halo down
around your neck
and tug you from your cloud

but I'm more than just a little curious
how you're planning to go about making your ammends...
to the dead...
to the dead..."

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 08:06:52 GMT

I've come to a simple conclusion.. people can be incredibly MEAN.

I had originally pasted the conversation someone & I had here.. but took it out. I was hurt but now I just feel humiliated and worthless.

I've edited this entry a few times now.. I'm leaving it before I edit it again though.

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 00:02:58 GMT

Hm..
Well, where to start with this? A few things have me feeling like I'm not wanted. I know I feel that way about alot of things but this past week the feeling has seemed to grow. Why? Well.. Matt for one, Joe for another, and life in general. I'd rather not get into the Matt thing, it's just *too* long to describe and I'm afraid my hand would cramp if I even tried. Joe.. well.. what to say there. I mean, I treasure my friends and it seems these two have something in common as of late. I try to talk to them and I either get one-word answers (mostly Matt) or no answer hardly at all (Joe).
I was kinda bitchy at Matt today..
==========================================
Lost on Long Island says:
don't say hi?
Stop thinking and just say it says:
hi
Lost on Long Island says:
o...k
Lost on Long Island says:
wtf is going on today.. it's like all my male friends have lost their minds
Stop thinking and just say it says:
sorry, i've been working on a paper
Stop thinking and just say it says:
i was working on a paper
Lost on Long Island says:
yeah
Lost on Long Island says:
well you're in achaea so you're not working TOO hard
Lost on Long Island says:
but whatever, talk to me when you feel like it
Stop thinking and just say it says:
i just said I -was-, not -am-
Lost on Long Island says:
well when you feel like talking let me know, i'm not going to keep IM'ing you anymore
Stop thinking and just say it says:
:(
=========================================
And as for Joe.. well I *tried* talking to him but got no response there. Anyway.. I don't know.. I happen to value my friends but lately I've been feeling an emptyness I can't quite put my finger on and I know it's affecting me. The last few days I stay up all night, till like 6 or 7 in the morning, go to sleep (if I'm lucky for a few hours), only to wake up around 9 or 10, log on, and (if I'm not busy helping my dad) - lay back in bed all depressed, curled up in a ball staring at the screen.
Anyone have any valium? Christ.

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Tue, 16 Sep 2003 23:16:14 GMT

So someone I haven't talked to in a long time got in touch with me a bit ago and we've been talking every day since. *HUGS*. I'm SO glad too because it's been too long. Finally we got to speak on the phone (we're talking again on the phone Friday too) - and it was just so great to get everything out and talk. I hate losing friends, but even more when it's been a long time that we talk so this was just so great. Why didn't I write it when it happened? Well, let's just say the person wishes to remain anonymous still for obvious reasons. Not that I blame them but I HAD to gush finally. And so, things are going great so far.. *smooches her friends* - for all my friends, I love you. *smiles*.

You're goin' down! FOR HACKING INTO COMPUTERS!
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Mon, 15 Sep 2003 02:12:36 GMT

So i'm sitting here eating my leftover chinese food.. read some journals.. and Joe is leaving to go home tomorrow. After reading his journal he seems really down about leaving.. but it got me to thinking about my own life and how much I hate NY and the people in it. So I went apt. hunting online.. with Ryan's help (thanks Ry).. found some really great apartments. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, small laundry room w/washer and dryer hookups, kitchen and living room.. $545 a month. I can totally afford that, and so by the end of the year, i'm going to say adios to NY. Funny thing is, I just KNOW i'll miss it (with as much bitching as I do now, it's like an automatic reaction as soon as I leave NY, I miss it, lol). Ok! So to give you a better idea of how big the rooms are.. let's see..
Living room is 19x13'
Master bedroom - 13x17
Second bedroom - 11x10
Not too bad I think.. I was re-evaluting my life and really NY is just too expensive to live in. Not only that, but I always wanted to live somewhere more rural anyway.
Soooo... when the cash comes (hopefully by the end of the year, I'll keep my fingers crossed) - I'm outta here to start my new life.
*Beams* I'm really excited about this.. and can't wait.

Tue, 09 Sep 2003 16:30:31 GMT

Couple of things.. first, my dad is heading off (as we speak actually) to the doctor to find out if he needs the surgery on his arm. He thinks he does because it's just not getting better - at least if it IS, it's going reeeeeeally slow.

Donna's taking computer courses on the 22nd and wants me to go w/her.. I'd LOVE to, but not for what she's going for. We'll see though, if not for that.. then the other thing.

Schedule is changing yet again.. luckily I'll have more hours and be doing something different.. THANK GOD.

Idiot Bruce was robbed last night. I HAD to laugh about that because the guy is SOOOO annoying. Seriously, I yelled at him Sat. because he stuck his nose in business that had *nothing* to even DO with him - so when I heard about this, this first thing that went through my mind was 'good'. I know, I know.. probably not the 'right' thing to think but no joke.. you'd have to spend ten seconds with this guy to even comprehend just how much of a jerk he is.

On to Joe - he's been in Canada for like a week or something (hope he's having/had a great time!!) and something he wrote in his journal kind of had me wondering if I was one of the people he was talking about. Anyway, here's what he wrote...

something i've noticed while i've been here is EVERYONE who knows about rachel has asked me (and apparently the same goes for her) if we've fucked or are going to...why can't people take their minds off sex i mean seriously we're all legally adults here SO GROW THE FUCK UP

Ok, I did ask him, but I was joking around. So.. Joe, hope you know I was kidding =)

Thu, 04 Sep 2003 06:25:05 GMT

I've come to the conclusion that with so much going on, there are just things I don't feel like dealing with anymore. I may end up cutting a few things loose (though I don't want to, it's just something I have to do) mostly because it's frustration. I'll most likely be disappointing a few people, I just hope they understand that I have other things going on that take up my time and attentions.